Regardless of whether or not it’s just a one-off thing, you’re still communicating with a human being.
I’m afraid this isn’t a mystical quest to hunt down fairytale creatures. If you had hopes of trapping a rainbow-haired unicorn, this isn’t the right article to read. This is about heterosexual couples looking to add a third party to their bedroom. (Yes, it’s that type of article – sorry mum and dad, please stop reading here.)
To be clear, unicorns are women or men attracted to all genders, including non-binary, and they’re able to share their attention with more than one partner. This can be in a one-off sexual activity, or part of a long term, three-way relationship. If the third party is willing, it’s a match made in heaven.
It’s a common trope in queer dating to encounter these types of couples, especially on dating apps and sites. I have never had a threesome, and at this point in my life, I am very unlikely to ever want to have a threesome. For queer women, being approached by couples is something both annoying and offensive. Some couples approach queer women as a sexual commodity – they assume that she’s happy to jump into bed with them, no questions asked. It’s actually very difficult to find this type person, hence the term Unicorn.
I would have loved for this project to be a homophobic witch hunt. However, the more I researched, the more hypocritical I felt. As someone who advocates never shaming anyone’s sexual desires, I have no room for judgement when it comes to other people’s desire to spice things up in their relationship. And as long as everything is consensual, it’s not really harming anyone. Yet, I was still torn.
Naturally, the first place to look for said unicorn would be to enter a queer space. I’d advise avoiding this. Don’t go into a lesbian bar together – this is a safe space for women to meet other women. This isn’t the place to go shopping for a sex buddy. You’ll be met with dirty looks and will be instantly iced out from the premise. (Lesbians are very good at spotting an unwanted guest in their home.)
Lizzie* a queer friend of mine once complained to me, “It’s uncomfortable knowing that couples are invading our space to date, when really it should be ours and ours alone.”
Dating apps are a bit of a different story. If you scroll through any queer women’s Tinder account, you’ll find many of these couple profiles. Hunters, if you want to use Tinder or any mainstream dating site, be up front. I heard many stories from my queer lady-friends, who agreed to meet a girl they’ve been messaging only to find that this ‘first date’ was more a plea to join her and her boyfriend in a threesome. Again, it’s supposed to be a safe space for women to meet other women. Don’t lead a girl on and then bombard her with something she wasn’t aware of before meeting you. If you want to create a profile, be clear that you’re a couple. Yes, you might get called out for it by some angry lesbians. That being said, there are other dating apps you can use for people specifically looking to participate with a couple. One example is feeld which has recently been rebranded from 3nder. By using apps like this one, you’ll be likely to have better luck finding willing participants rather than hunting around Tinder.
Even if your unicorn seems keen, be careful with your words. Regardless of whether or not it’s just a one-off thing, you’re still communicating with a human being.
I decided to create an account on Tinder and to start swiping, to get a feel of what it was like to speak to these couples. I matched with several pairs, but was instantly unmatched when I messaged back asking questions about their hunt. However, I did encounter some very colourful conversations.
Here’s the first couple, Bess and Felix*:
B&F: Hello Beautiful!
Me: Hi, so what are you guys into?
B&F: Anything that you’re up for. Mainly all three of us fucking each other. What are you into?
Me: Mostly Girls. Would your BF be into a lesbian like me?
B&F: He is ok with it as long as you fuck and suck him.
Me: Are you guys looking for straight girls, lesbians or bisexuals?
B&F: Actually, doesn’t matter as long as you can do both of us. Rather lesbian as she will be into me as well. Do you own a strap on?
What can you learn from this, hunters? Know the difference between a bisexual and lesbian. Lesbians don’t like to fuck and suck men.
Then, there was Ruby and Shane*:
R&S: So what’s your story?
Me: What do you mean?
R&S: What’s your sexual orientation?
Me: Lesbian. Is that an issue?
R&S: No. My BF wants to fuck a lesbian. I told him he could for our anniversary this year.
What can you learn from this, hunters? LESBIANS ARE NOT A SEXUAL COMMODITY TO BE OFFERED TO YOUR BOYFRIEND AS A PRESENT.
I don’t want any of these messages to reflect all unicorn hunters. Just be open with what you want and what you expect. Above all, respect your unicorn. Treat them as if you were dating, which technically, you are.
For couples wanting to add a third person to their relationship, that’s their prerogative, and something that should remain between them. Well, between them and their unicorn. If you are a couple looking for a third party, just be aware of who you’re approaching and where you’re looking.
*All names used have been changed to respect participants privacy.